Today’s Lunch Menu: Crisscut Fries with a Side of Gore

Today, while out running an errand for my mom, I decided to watch a movie over lunch. I do this a lot when I’m outside, watching movies alone I mean. It serves me several purposes. One, I don’t end up missing out on whatever available film that even remotely piques my interest. Needless to say, I got tired of always having to time my watching movies to my “friends’” schedules; after all, I have all the time in the world when they don’t. Apparently “work” and this thing called ”salary” are important matters most people tend to prioritize in life. Then there’s also me having to sell my film choices to them. Obviously, they don’t like watching films as much as I do. Two, I can eat my food while inside the dark theater. That way, I don’t have to suffer through the pitiful stares you get from nosy people for having to eat alone. Okay, so maybe you get pitiful stares from others for watching movies alone instead, but at least in the theater the movie and the dark are welcome distractions. Third, it takes up about two hours of my time. And being the unemployed bum that I am, that actually helps a lot to appease my boredom.

I only ever go to 2 cinemas when watching movies alone. Greenbelt 1, that’s the “old” Greenbelt mall, the original one, for those who are only aware of the other newer Greenbelt malls (at some point, you must’ve wondered why the Greenbelt malls were numbered, right?), and Glorietta 4. It’s a bourgeois thing; I get to save fifty or so bucks just from watching at the cheaper cinemas. Granted, Greenbelt 3 theaters have way better seats, but when you’re not watching with anyone, it’s more about the movie than the experience. ‘Cause, really, who are you gonna share the ambience with? Today the line-up included The Hangover, G.I. Joe: Rise of The Cobra, And I Love You So, Book of Blood, and from two weeks ago, The Proposal. There are only two movies I haven’t seen here, And I Love You So and Book of Blood. I’ve already seen The Hangover and The Proposal twice, and loved them both each time. I’ve seen G.I. Joe once and that was enough (I didn’t care for it at all; the acting was god-awful). Now, I don’t understand why there were so many theaters showing And I Love You So. For me, you see one Star Cinema production, you’ve seen them all. They should’ve alotted at least one theater for Harry Potter or something. Orphan would’ve been a good choice as well; I really liked that movie. But maybe Star Cinema paid the Ayala Cinemas a lot or something. I refuse to believe that the people working in Ayala Cinemas intentionally did it because they truly believe that people will flock to see And I Love You So like they did with Transformers or Harry Potter recently. I like to think that people are more intelligent, more sophisticated, and just darned better than that. Anyway the point is, since I’m not going to see a local film unless coerced by “friends” anytime soon, I was left with no choice but to see Book of Blood.

Book of Blood is about a paranormal professor and published author, Mary Florescu, whose research for her next book lead her to an old, abandoned house, where gruesome murders by supernatural means have once taken place and is now believed to be haunted. She then seeks the additional assistance of one of her students, Simon McNeal, whom she suspects to be clairvoyant. Soon after moving into the house, strange things begin to happen. Whispers echo through the night, writings that spontaneously burst into flame appear on the walls, horrific visions wrack through Florescu’s dreams, and multiple lacerations cut across McNeal’s body. Meanwhile, the attraction between Florescu and McNeal escalates into a torrid love affair. And just as things start to look really promising, Florescu learns that McNeal had faked the supernatural occurences in order to get himself (and his quasi-supernatural past) acknowledged and ultimately published, to finally get his cheap shot at fame he believes is long overdue. Angered and resentful, Florescu confronts McNeal, who fiinally confesses to faking some of the supernatural goings-on. But McNealut refuses to take credit for the majority of it, claiming that there really was something in the house far beyond their understanding. Things then take a turn for the worse when they learn that the haunted house is actually situated at an intersection of highways (a variation on the concept of ‘limbo’, I surmise) for the souls of the dead, where they get a chance to “tell” their stories before finally crossing over onto the afterlife. As McNeal suffers the wrath of the dead souls’ scorn, more writings erupt from his already tattered skin. And finally enlightened, Florescu realizes what’s been going on the entire time, and vows to the dead’s souls that she would let the world know about their stories. Years later, the souls continue to ceaselessly write their stories using McNeal’s skin as canvass, and his blood as ink, transforming his body into a literal book of blood. Meanwhile, the now-wealthy Florescu continues to translate each new inscription found on McNeal’s skin daily, and writes the stories she’s translated into books, which she then has published.

Book of Blood is actually an adaptation of Clive Barker’s book series “Books of Blood”. Barker also acts as producer on this film. Now I’ve never read any of the books, and after seeing this movie, I’m not sure I’d ever want to. It’s gruesome, that much I can guarantee you, but really not much else. And even when there were some ‘gulat’ moments, they were few and too far in between to make the film really successful as a horror. Book of Blood maintains its mediocrity from beginning to end. Not even the constant nudity and lukewarm student-teacher sex was enough to keep me on the edge of my seat. And what with the idiocy of the board of censors in our country, you can expect many, many cuts throughout the film. Book of Blood is originally Rated R, for bloody violence and nudity/sex. I don’t understand why MTRCB couldn’t have just shown it as an R-18-rated movie instead of forcing it into becoming a PG-13 one. Because really, whenever they do this, I find that it diminishes the quality of the film, especially the foreign ones. Seriously, what is the purpose of having a rating meant only for people over 18 when you’re just gonna force every goddamn movie that comes out into something suitable for minors anyway? Is it for ’sales’ purposes? Because if that’s the case, then MTRCB’s system really does suck.

Book of Blood is currently showing at Glorietta 4 Cinemas, but I doubt it’ll be there for long. Tickets are priced at Php 130.00 each, meaning it’s not being shown in the THX theaters.

P.S. Burger King is now serving delicious (and long forgotten) Crisscut Fries! Or at least the small branch at Glorietta 4 Cinemas is. I haven’t really checked with other branches. You just have to add Php 15.00 when you order one of their meals to upgrade your plain ol’ side of fries to crisscut ones. Otherwise, they cost Php 45.00.