Blonde VS. Brunette

After what seemed like forever, Archie Andrews, philandering douchebag and seducer of young, nubile teenagers of the female persuasion, finally puts an end to the age-old dilemma: Betty or Veronica?

If these characters sound familiar to you, it’s because they probably are! They’re the (in)famous trio of what is probably the most complicated love triangle in history, found only in the legendary Archie Comics. That’s right, you heard me, Archie Comics! And don’t you even try and feign disinterest because I don’t know one person who has not read and enjoyed the Archie Comics at some point in his life. For me it was in sixth grade. I enjoyed the ‘kilig’ moments between the three, back when the whole concept of dating seemed so alien and foreign, and my mentality was conformed to the conservative ways of Filipino courtship. ‘Cause Archie didn’t just date Betty and Veronica, he dated Cheryl, Midge, and a whole bunch of other fictional girls. He even dated Sabrina the Teenage Witch, if I remember it right. But despite his unfaithful and disloyal misdemeanors, the girls just kept coming back! Although I guess I should cut the guy some slack. I myself was unable to decide between Betty or Veronica. Although both girls were hot and sexy, Veronica had the looks and the fashion sense. And since she’s rich, her life just seems all the more exciting. On the other hand, Betty was smart, and nice, and much more well-rounded, and a lot less entitled. Veronica tended to be the unmitigated bitch between the two; Betty tended to lean towards ideals like morals and ethics. So obviously, the right choice should be Betty. Only, for some reason, there’s something about Veronica that just makes you gravitate towards her. It’s all confusing and complicated, what is a poor schmuck like Archie to do?

But see, that’s another thing to hate about Archie. Both Betty and Veronica were hot commodities in Riverdale High. Meaning Archie, being the douche that he is, didn’t just date any girl (every girl, maybe), he dated the pretty and popular ones. He defied the norms of the (unspoken) high school caste system. He wasn’t a jock, but he was dating the most popular girls. He hung out with weirdoes like Jughead, but he wasn’t branded as a freak. With him, it’s like every bit of high school logic you grow to tolerate and suffer through went out the window. And I guess part of me just can’t get over how unfair it is. And yes, I’m aware I’m comparing my high school life to a piece of fiction here. Bite me. But come on! The guy is seriously fugly to begin with. He didn’t have a nice body. His face didn’t seem like it had good bone structure. He had bushy, caveman eyebrows. He had large unattractive freckles on the apples of his cheeks and nose. And he had weird, undefinable checkerboard sharp signs on the sides of his flaming red hair, which he kept in that ridiculous haircut! Seriously, what was up with those Riverdale girls? He must have a large penis, there’s just no other explanation!

All my bitter sentiments aside (how does someone so ugly manage to have a life?!), it is but with great surprise to find out that Archie is finally getting married. Yes, you heard me, ’MARRIED’. The news is rather sudden (the guy was a womanizer, for chrissakes), but also has been a long time coming. Come on, they’ve been high-schoolers for centuries now. But still, it feels like the end of an era, you know? And really, since its conception in 1941, it truly has. I wonder if this means they will be stopping publication of the comic books? Anyway, to see which lucky lady our pal Archibald (god, even his name is fugly) finally chose, go here.

And don’t forget to check out the preview!

N.B. I’ll try (unless I forget, of course) to see how much Archie Comics cost nowadays, or if this particular issue is already available in Philippine shores, next time I find myself surreptitiously browsing through shelves in a bookstore.